TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have another position the place American Males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should prevent working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a function staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the Trump Tower Damascus unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down service."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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